Giving Thanks...

Well I'm back to update on the last few weeks. It's been so hard to face losing Cactus but I can tell that time helps. We had a great time with family and I want to update all about that.

As soon as we arrived in Atlanta we headed to the hospital and Jason's family drove straight there as well. All the kids went with Aunt Barbara or "Beba" and Aunt Maria and they had a lot of fun. Everyone else stayed at the hospital with me.

The night with the Aunts went well...I had briefed Beba on Riley's routine knowing that Riley would remind her of anything I forgot...and that she did. Riley was stoked to see Bubba and Gaby and they all had fun playing and eating dinner.

From what I remember Bubba and Gaby were fast asleep before Riley and the Aunts followed her routine until they came to a halt when Riley asked for her music. That's the one thing I forgot to tell Beba and I had planned on using the playlist on Riley's iPhone (my old one) for her music. Maria started singing to Riley while Barbara quickly got some music going on their computer since we were staying in the guest bedroom / office. It all worked and they were able to get Riley to sleep...everyone survived and had fun!!! Riley is one lucky girl to have such great family!

The next day we laid low...it seemed like every day while we were in Atlanta it took me until noon to get me and Riley dressed but luckily we did a lot of relaxing and chilling so no worries.

We did have a special birthday to celebrate...Bubba turned 14...craziness! I have known this boy since he was 1 and now he's 14...how time flies!

We had dinner at Pappasitos and it was delish...I was sad Jason missed it because he's always trying to get in a Pappasito's fix when he can!

Here's the LoRusso kids with Grandpa Joe...CJ, Lance, Frank, Maria, and Joe.

Here's the rest of us gals...Barbara, Gaby, Desiree, Michelle, me, and Riley

It was this night that Riley discovered the magical powers of a napkin turning her into Super Riley...she loved it!

When we got home we had to sing to CJ and eat some ice cream cake!

I'm pretty sure these girls were excited about the cake!

We were all talking in the kitchen and I peeked around the corner to check on Riley and caught her in the act...I love this girl!

The next day was Thanksgiving...Riley and Gaby did some painting on the porch that morning!

This was Riley's picture...when I asked her what she was painting she said "I'm making a picture of Cactus for you Mommy"...so sweet!

Lance and Barbara did a great job of feeding us...I didn't really help much as I was just trying to keep myself together and get dressed before we ate...again so thankful for our family!

Here's some of the gang before we ate...

The LoRusso fam...

After our Thanksgiving meal Riley decided she wanted a horsey ride...glad Bubba was there to play horsey instead of me! :)

That evening we all hung out around a nice fire outside...it was a perfect night for it...roasting marshmallows was a must!

Maria helping Riley roast her marshmallow!

Lance got a proper introduction to Caillou and endured an entire episode with Riley on the couch...we exchanged a few funny emails with Jason while this was going on because Caillou is not Jason's favorite!

Thanksgiving in Atlanta always means doing some shopping the day after...we are never crazy enough to get up early though! We headed to some outlet malls this year and it was fun.

Here's me and my shopping buddy!

Gaby and Riley did great shopping with the big girls all day...as a treat they got to ride this tow truck!

All of us girls headed to Applebee's afterwards for dinner and then home to snuggle and get warm as it got super cold that day!

Obviously it was a rough couple days for me but I am so thankful for the great family we have and we really had some good times with everyone.

I love this girl and she loved all the attention!

Next up...our trip to Little Rock!

Hard Times...

After having such a text book pregnancy with Riley we never imagined this one would be that different. There is a constant sense of worry from the moment you find out your pregnant regardless of what kind of history you may have had...and it never goes away...we will always worry about our kids!

I started having complications just a few days after Jason left on his deployment and I was panicked because I had never experienced anything like this with Riley. I wasn't scheduled for my first ultrasound and ob visit until I was 10-12 weeks and I called the OB nurse explaining what was going on and she said they were not alarmed but that if I needed peace of mind I would have to go to the ER. By the second day I decided I wanted to take a trip to the ER because with Jason gone both of our nerves were on edge and we wanted to know what was going on. So Tuesday, November 16th I took Riley to school and then went to the ER. I was seen rather quickly but ended up being there ALL DAY LONG! My sweet friend Nicki made it just in time to come to radiology with me for the ultrasound and I'm so thankful she was there. I could not see the ultrasound screen but she could and as soon as she saw Cactus she gave me a grin and whispered "it looks good" and my heart stopped pounding out of my chest. I felt peace...she saw the heart beating and the heart rate was around 125. When the ultrasound tech was done she handed me this picture and all my nerves were calmed.

I still had to have more tests done and the end result was that the baby looked great, it was measuring right on track, and all my labs were normal. They did, however, discover that I had a bacterial infection which is common in pregnant women due to the influx of hormones. I was put on antibiotics for a week and I could see things starting to improve by the end of the week.

That weekend the same complications started to creep back and I was alarmed but I wasn't sure how quickly the antibiotics should work and kick this infection to the curb.

Riley and I had a fun weekend and we were getting ready to leave on our trip to Atlanta and Little Rock for Thanksgiving and the week after!

Monday, the night before we left, my complications started getting worse and I wasn't sure what to do. Completely on pins and needles, I decided to get on the plane and head to Atlanta and get checked out once we arrived. We had a pretty uneventful trip and arrived safe and sound. Jason's aunts took care of Riley for the night and it was back to the ER for me. We were there until the wee hours of the morning and this time I left with the devastating news that our baby, Cactus, no longer had a heartbeat and that my complications were the beginning of a miscarriage.

It was extremely hard to get this news and not be in Jason's arms. I had to email him and tell him what happened and shortly after he was able to call me. I am very grateful that I was with family...Jason's mom was with me in the hospital the entire time.

The first few days were extremely rough...physically I was not in much pain but emotionally it was heartbreaking. I know the stats and unfortunately I am aware that this happens to many women, but I never fully understood just how painful it was. We lost a baby...a baby that we already loved so much.

We have received so many prayers and kind words and are getting through this as best as we can. Jason and I have been able to talk so much and he has been such a great support despite the many miles apart. Being around just family those first few days was a blessing...I felt like I was in a safe place where I didn't have to face situations that would have been very difficult. Despite this sad news we had a good Thanksgiving and lots of good times with the LoRusso family.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving Riley and I rode back to Little Rock with the LoRusso's and we have been here since. Again I am grateful we have had this time to be with family...for me to have the help with Riley and the time to see some of our great friends from our time here in Little Rock, several of whom who have also suffered a loss like this.

It is so hard to go from being pregnant one moment to not being pregnant the next but having nothing to prove for it. I find that some of the hardest things are the little things that I am now able to do that I wasn't able to do when I was pregnant. I still want to protect Cactus even though Cactus is now with Jesus. God has given us a sense of peace about all of this and we know that His plan is best...we may not understand but we know.

God has used Riley in amazing ways these past few weeks as we've dealt with this. She obviously knew about Cactus since that was her name for the baby so I had to tell her that Cactus was not in my belly anymore. She actually expressed remorse and sadness but I told her that Cactus was in Heaven having fun with Jesus. The day after Thanksgiving we were driving in the neighborhood and she saw a nativity scene in someone's front yard and said "Look Mommy...it's baby Jesus and Cactus...and they're having fun." Today while we were in the car she started talking about how much she loved me, how much her Daddy loved her, and how Jesus loved her and wants to give her kisses. My heart was already overflowing with her amazing faith at such a young age, but she kept going. She then said "Jesus loves Cactus soooooo much. Jesus and Cactus are way up high in Heaven. I want to ride an airplane and go see Jesus and Cactus. Cactus isn't in your belly anymore mommy. Poor Cactus." I never knew my heart could hurt yet be so full all at the same time. Through all of this, I can't express how thankful we are for the blessing of Riley. I never thought I could be more thankful for her but this experience has allowed me to feel that way.

So many of you have sent us sweet words and lifted us up in prayer and we couldn't be more thankful. We have great friends and family and are so blessed.

Here are some scripture verses that people have shared with me through this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalms 34:18

"The Lord will work out His plans for my life - for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
Psalm 138:8

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

The song Glory Baby by Watermark has been dear to my heart lately too...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

We know that through this we will be stronger but it doesn't mean there won't be difficult times.

Turkey and Haircuts...

I got to have Thanksgiving lunch with Riley and her friends and it was so fun!

She was slightly excited that I got to come eat with her!

We had all the traditional Thanksgiving food and I got to witness her eating an entire meal complete with veggies...that doesn't happen too often at home!

After we all ate Miss April took some bread outside to feed the birdies and the kiddos loved looking out the window and watching the birds eat!

I just love this little girl!

After school that same day Riley was in for a special treat...her first hair cut!

I personally had cut one strand of hair that was getting rather long but other than that this girl had not had a haircut at all! I had gotten my hair done a few weeks prior and talked to Christie and she suggested a good trim to get the curls to lay better and help Riley's hair to not be so crazy!

So she started with a wash like a big girl and she wasn't quite sure what to think!

Then it was time to cut and she told Christie to "be gentle" and "to be careful"...gotta love it! She liked looking at herself in the mirror and had a semi-difficult time keeping her head straight but she did great!

Christie asked if I wanted her to blow dry it and since we had never done that before I was anxious to see what her hair would look like!

Well I think she looked completely different with her new do but I loved it and she did too!

She kept saying "I just need to look in the mirror oooonnnnneeee more time"...so funny!

We went and ate at Inn-N-Out afterwards and she just loved showing off her new do!

Unfortunately, as I know all too well, this hair will be a lot of work to keep up with! The cut works great for her curls and they do lay so much better and even curl up better but now I know I have the option to blow dry it too! The next morning her hair was back to complete curls and when she saw herself she said "Oh no! My hair is gone!"

D-Day

The week before a deployment usually involves lots of packing and a house in disarray, but it also means lots of family time. We spent the week before Jason left going to movies, eating out, and trying to have as much fun as we could.

There's nothing fun about seeing deployment gear all over your house and knowing that it is looming but having this cutie to cheer us up and try and make a toy out of Jason's bag made for lots of smiles! I can't even imagine how much Jason wishes he could pack her in his bag.

We got up early Saturday morning to go with Jason to leave for his deployment. We were all stronger this time knowing that it would be much shorter than what we are used to. I also told him that there could be no tears for the sake of Riley...just can't do that to this cute little girl!

When I had first told her a few weeks prior that Daddy was "going on an airplane" again she threw a fit and said "Nooooo..he's just going to work"...it's amazing what her little mind can grasp but she knew what I meant and she didn't like it. I dropped the conversation so she didn't get upset and told Jason he needed to talk to her about it. He spent a lot of time with her the few days before he left and they had talked about it quite a bit.

She spent the few hours in the passenger terminal playing and watching cartoons on her iPod. When it was time to say goodbye we all held it together and I scooped her out of there before she had time to really figure out what was going on. Here's a great shot of this Daddy's girl and her Daddy before we had to say goodbye...

We headed home and she played while I completely cleaned the house..which is my coping mechanism. After her nap she asked where her Daddy was and when I told her she said "he's stiiillllllll on the airplane?"

It's just me and my girl for a few months...we will hold down the fort but miss Jason so much.

A day in Bolinas...

The Saturday before Jason left we were going to go to our favorite breakfast place not far from our house but Jason had an itch to go a little further and make a day trip out of it. He yelped some restaurants and told me and Riley to get ready...it was a surprise for us!

Riley said "Ok Daddy...I have my scarf and my shades...I'm ready to hit the road"

I knew we were driving toward the coast but didn't know exactly where we were going. When we came across this farm that had this barn with a huge peace sign I looked at Jason and said "where are you taking us?" and he said "I have no idea!"

Our final destination was this restaurant in the hippy town of Bolinas. He had yelped this restaurant but really had no idea what kind of town Bolinas was. We went on in and had brunch and the food was fabulous!

While we were eating we had heard this guy talking about Robert Earl Keen which caught our attention because Bolinas was the last place we thought we'd find someone that knew something about Texas country music. We finished up our food and went to leave when we met the man who had been talking about Robert Earl Keen...meet Texas Tad.

He had been sitting across the street playing his guitar and he yelled to us saying that Jason was his homeboy because he had lived in Texas too. You see we had taken Bubba Buford (Jason's truck) and it had our A&M stickers on it. So he started talking with us and he made the comment "yeah they really like my singing down there." We assumed he meant in Texas and he said "oh no...at San Quentin...I served three times there." That pretty much caught us off guard but we kept talking to him. Riley was playing in the bed of Jason's truck and he started singing for her...she even requested Robert Earl Keen and he did his best to sing one of his songs. As he's singing this older hippy man, Larry the hippie, walks up and just starts standing by the truck "jamming" with Texas Tad....he was quite a site and Riley even clued in to that. We were just looking at each other and thinking "we're not in the South anymore" but we were very amused. The two of them talked, explained that they were not homeless but that they were camping, and they even showed us their medicinal marijuana cards...and even encouraged us to get some of our own. We'll get right on that Texas Tad and Larry the hippie! Larry told us how he ended up in Bolinas because they "live like kings" and "that's where all the hippies go to die." We bought Texas Tad some lunch and decided to go on our way...that was an experience we will never forget.

After our short visit to Bolinas we decided to stop at Stinson Beach and play for a bit!

Riley had a blast playing in the sand and running around...it was quite chilly so we didn't let her get her feet wet this time!

Family pic..love Riley's scrunched up face!

Feet in the sand!

What a fun and memorable day...here's a video recap of the day...the footage of Larry the hippie and Texas Tad is priceless...enjoy!

Aggieland Adventures

Well I seem to be in an on again off again relationship with blogging...not sure what the deal is but I'm back to trying to catch up again!

Several weeks ago we took a trip to Aggieland and it was quite a bit of traveling for a weekend trip but it was so worth it and we had an absolute blast!

To share our love for Aggieland with Riley and have her take to it was awesome...I can officially say the brainwashing is in full effect and we wouldn't have it any other way!

We spent a lot of Friday traveling but made it into College Station around 8:30 that night. We stayed at a family friend, Larry's, beautiful home with my parents. As soon as we arrived we had Riley tell Grammie and JoePa that she was going to be a big sister! My mom screamed and it took a few minutes for my dad to catch on but we all celebrated! Larry had made dinner for all of us and we sat down to a great meal and relaxed a bit before we headed to Midnight Yell!

Riley was a trooper and due to the time change Midnight Yell was only 10:00 on her time so it wasn't quite so bad!

Here's all of us on our way to yell!

We watched the band march in and they were all dressed in costumes for Halloween so that was pretty funny to watch!

We found our spot on the 22nd yard line for Gator 2 and started to explain all things Aggie to Riley!

We met the Walkers at Yell and had so much fun seeing them!

Riley started to get tired during Yell but once it was over and we were down on the field she got her 4th or 5th wind and decided to run like crazy all over the field with Grammie!

We called it a night and all headed back to get some sleep. Riley didn't sleep too well and Jason ended up in her room in bed with her for several hours...that was after I nudged him and said "it's your turn" since she had woken up several times before. He ate up the snuggle time with her!

Saturday morning we got ready for the big game vs. Texas Tech and Riley played in the bar area. We couldn't get her out of here and she roped every single person in the house into coming in and playing with her...the ice machine was her fav!

Me and Jason before the game!

Our Aggie girl...stylin' and ready to go!

We headed to the Quad which brought back so many memories...remembering Jason getting yelled at all the time his freshman year to him wearing his Senior boots and yelling at all the freshman!

We met up with the Walkers and the Camerons before the march in!

The girls!

The guys!

On our way to the stadium Riley got her face painted...so cute!

She also got to play on some awesome bounce houses and had a blast!

We watched the Aggie Band march in and then headed to the Gator 2 BBQ...Riley and I snuck across the street to see the Hanlons....here's me and Whitney!

Aunt Whitney filled Riley's belly with all kinds of treats...I was honestly concerned she might get sick from all the sugar but she survived!

Here she is with a container of Candy Corn and a huge cupcake...which one to eat first?

After all that fun we headed into the stadium for the game and boy was it a great game! There is not much better than beating the hell outta Texas Tech!

Riley had fun watching in the binoculars with JoePa...I can't wait until she's a little older and JoePa can tell her all about the days when he played football at A&M!

Riley caught on to all the yells and she learned how to "hump it"...for all of you who aren't Aggies you just won't understand!

During the first half Riley needed to use the potty and while she was on the potty she completely passed out laying on my shoulder...it was the funniest thing! I promptly cleaned her up as she cried "I don't want to get off the potty...I just want to nap". Once I picked her up and laid her head on my shoulder she was out...imagine how I looked walking out of the bathroom stall with my kid completely passed out. We had a tired girl on our hands. I took her into the Zone Club and let her sleep for a bit but she woke up when the Aggie Band came out for halftime so we went to watch them!

After watching the band we headed to the other side of the stadium to hang out in the box of some of my parent's friends! Riley got to watch the game with John Byron and they were a hoot! He was enamored with her!

We watched the rest of the game in the box and left with a victory..whoop!

After the game we spent quite some time with Paul and Jenn trying to get to our car that was parked off campus...the traffic was CRAZY! Eventually we made it and then we headed to the Gator 2 50th reunion!

There were quite a few people but not as many from Jason's class that we would have like to have seen...it's so hard when they are scattered all over the world and lots of them deployed!

We did get to see Scott and Laurie and that was such a treat!

Riley loved having Scott chase her all over the place!

We got to meet sweet baby Logan...such a miracle!

Me and Laurie!

After the reunion we headed to a Halloween party my parents friends were having and when we walked in I got the biggest surprise. My sweet friend Kaycee, whom I met freshman year at Fish Camp and who was in our wedding, was at the party and I had no idea. She just walked up to me and I screamed and gave her a huge hug...fun times!

This Halloween party is the real deal and while we had planned on coming in costumes our day was just too full to make that happen. It was already late when we got there but we had to say hi to everyone and I knew Riley would love seeing Finooga ("Fiona") and Shrek! Phoebe was a great Fiona!

My parents dressed as a Budweiser and the Budweiser dog...what a great idea!

Riley had to show Fiona that Shrek was at the party too...she was so cute because she really thought Dale and Phoebe were Shrek and Fiona!

We headed back to Larry's after the Halloween party and the Walkers met us over there to hang out...we finally had a minute to just chill and catch up with them.

Sunday we slept in as long as Riley let us and Larry had fixed a great breakfast for us. Once we ate and packed everything up we hit our favorite stores to shop for some Aggie gear!

Here's Riley riding Bevo!

After shopping we headed to La Bodega for lunch and then headed back to Houston for our flight home. A whirlwind trip to say the least but it was so much fun!

Here's some video of our Aggieland adventure as well!

Our Aggies have been making us proud this year and we can't wait to go back!