Hard Times...

After having such a text book pregnancy with Riley we never imagined this one would be that different. There is a constant sense of worry from the moment you find out your pregnant regardless of what kind of history you may have had...and it never goes away...we will always worry about our kids!

I started having complications just a few days after Jason left on his deployment and I was panicked because I had never experienced anything like this with Riley. I wasn't scheduled for my first ultrasound and ob visit until I was 10-12 weeks and I called the OB nurse explaining what was going on and she said they were not alarmed but that if I needed peace of mind I would have to go to the ER. By the second day I decided I wanted to take a trip to the ER because with Jason gone both of our nerves were on edge and we wanted to know what was going on. So Tuesday, November 16th I took Riley to school and then went to the ER. I was seen rather quickly but ended up being there ALL DAY LONG! My sweet friend Nicki made it just in time to come to radiology with me for the ultrasound and I'm so thankful she was there. I could not see the ultrasound screen but she could and as soon as she saw Cactus she gave me a grin and whispered "it looks good" and my heart stopped pounding out of my chest. I felt peace...she saw the heart beating and the heart rate was around 125. When the ultrasound tech was done she handed me this picture and all my nerves were calmed.

I still had to have more tests done and the end result was that the baby looked great, it was measuring right on track, and all my labs were normal. They did, however, discover that I had a bacterial infection which is common in pregnant women due to the influx of hormones. I was put on antibiotics for a week and I could see things starting to improve by the end of the week.

That weekend the same complications started to creep back and I was alarmed but I wasn't sure how quickly the antibiotics should work and kick this infection to the curb.

Riley and I had a fun weekend and we were getting ready to leave on our trip to Atlanta and Little Rock for Thanksgiving and the week after!

Monday, the night before we left, my complications started getting worse and I wasn't sure what to do. Completely on pins and needles, I decided to get on the plane and head to Atlanta and get checked out once we arrived. We had a pretty uneventful trip and arrived safe and sound. Jason's aunts took care of Riley for the night and it was back to the ER for me. We were there until the wee hours of the morning and this time I left with the devastating news that our baby, Cactus, no longer had a heartbeat and that my complications were the beginning of a miscarriage.

It was extremely hard to get this news and not be in Jason's arms. I had to email him and tell him what happened and shortly after he was able to call me. I am very grateful that I was with family...Jason's mom was with me in the hospital the entire time.

The first few days were extremely rough...physically I was not in much pain but emotionally it was heartbreaking. I know the stats and unfortunately I am aware that this happens to many women, but I never fully understood just how painful it was. We lost a baby...a baby that we already loved so much.

We have received so many prayers and kind words and are getting through this as best as we can. Jason and I have been able to talk so much and he has been such a great support despite the many miles apart. Being around just family those first few days was a blessing...I felt like I was in a safe place where I didn't have to face situations that would have been very difficult. Despite this sad news we had a good Thanksgiving and lots of good times with the LoRusso family.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving Riley and I rode back to Little Rock with the LoRusso's and we have been here since. Again I am grateful we have had this time to be with family...for me to have the help with Riley and the time to see some of our great friends from our time here in Little Rock, several of whom who have also suffered a loss like this.

It is so hard to go from being pregnant one moment to not being pregnant the next but having nothing to prove for it. I find that some of the hardest things are the little things that I am now able to do that I wasn't able to do when I was pregnant. I still want to protect Cactus even though Cactus is now with Jesus. God has given us a sense of peace about all of this and we know that His plan is best...we may not understand but we know.

God has used Riley in amazing ways these past few weeks as we've dealt with this. She obviously knew about Cactus since that was her name for the baby so I had to tell her that Cactus was not in my belly anymore. She actually expressed remorse and sadness but I told her that Cactus was in Heaven having fun with Jesus. The day after Thanksgiving we were driving in the neighborhood and she saw a nativity scene in someone's front yard and said "Look Mommy...it's baby Jesus and Cactus...and they're having fun." Today while we were in the car she started talking about how much she loved me, how much her Daddy loved her, and how Jesus loved her and wants to give her kisses. My heart was already overflowing with her amazing faith at such a young age, but she kept going. She then said "Jesus loves Cactus soooooo much. Jesus and Cactus are way up high in Heaven. I want to ride an airplane and go see Jesus and Cactus. Cactus isn't in your belly anymore mommy. Poor Cactus." I never knew my heart could hurt yet be so full all at the same time. Through all of this, I can't express how thankful we are for the blessing of Riley. I never thought I could be more thankful for her but this experience has allowed me to feel that way.

So many of you have sent us sweet words and lifted us up in prayer and we couldn't be more thankful. We have great friends and family and are so blessed.

Here are some scripture verses that people have shared with me through this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalms 34:18

"The Lord will work out His plans for my life - for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever."
Psalm 138:8

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

The song Glory Baby by Watermark has been dear to my heart lately too...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

We know that through this we will be stronger but it doesn't mean there won't be difficult times.